( Rememeber Smokin Kills.. But drugs take u High)Just a refresher :
Mallu: A colloquial name given to people from the state of kerala, India.
1. Statement: You always find mallus in herds or groups.Fact: Mallus are social animals like hyenas and live in packs of two or more members. This can be attributed to their anticipation of revolution and of course no one wants to be left behind in devouring the spoils. As a corollary, hyenas like mallus, are scavengers. They prefer the “killing” to be done by someone else.
2. Statement: Mallus are well-educated.Fact: When you have masters degree holders driving buses and PhD holders working as peons you dont call them well-educated. They are over-educated.
3. Statement: Mallus are fond of coconuts.Fact: Another under statement. The best way to stifle a mallu would be to cut his sources of this wonder-fruit. Coconut and its by-products make up approximately 67% of a mallu’s body composition. Make it 93% if you include the kilo-litres of coconut oil applied on his/her hair. Twice everyday we take bath in lukewarm cocount oil and have only coconut chutney for food seven days a week.
4. Statement: Most Mallus are communist and are champions of the downtrodden.Fact: Irrespective of political parties a mallu belongs to, he is inherently communist in thought, and endeavours to usher in an egalitarian era of proletarian delight (now, what does that mean!). One in which man and man are equally poor and miserable.
5. Statement: Mallus are highly mobile and are everywhere.Fact: Of course they are. Neil Armstrong claims to have had tea and parippuvada (also called dal vada in certain regions of India) at a “Nair Chaya Kada” (tea shops run by Nairs) when he made mankind’s first Lunar landing. The only inference we can make out of his statement is that mallus are extra terrestrial!
6. Statement: Mallus are very good at languages.Fact: Ever heard a mallu speak English and you wouldnt doubt the truth behind this statement. Mallu English is a language of its “vvown and is mechh zimbler thaan the Qyoon’s Engleesh”. Mallus are equally adept at speaking any alien tongue which will put the original speakers of the language to shame at their own linguistic ineptitude. We mallus also speak Malayalam.
7. Statement: More than half the Mallu population is in the middle-east.Fact: The entire oil belt in the middle-east (also called “Gelf” or “Persia”), has a liberal concentration of Mallus, most of them working in “highly skilled” occupations as drivers, fire engineers, mechanics, fitters and crane operators. That they wouldnt have stooped to doing such menial labour back home is a different issue. (Highly likely that years ago, some “awakened”, communist mallu tried to reason out marxist possibilities of a workers’ revolution to his Arab boss and got himself hanged for it). The NORK (Non Resident Keralite) equation is gradually shifting in favour of Western Europe and the US with more mallu nurses finding jobs in those regions. The fact that Kerala survives on income repatriated by the Mallu diaspora still remains undisputed.
8. Statement: Mallu names are the finest examples of brevity and simplicity.Fact: Mallu names are disyllabic at the most and any two syllables put together give you a mallu name. Lijo, Jijo, Jibu, Biju, Shiju, Shoji, Joji, Titty, Ani, Nibi, Bini, Jikku, Kichu, Lisha are all uniquely mallu. They usually do not carry the additional burden of being meaningful. Compare the ease calling out to a mallu called Jiji Anto and someone else named Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyaya or Sreenivasa Sastri Nimmagadda.
9. Statement: Mallus have a literary and cultural bend of mind.Fact: The long hours an average mallu spends languishing in thought about the impending socialist revolution gives him ample time in ideation and literary creation. Besides, the many productive man-days of celebrating regular hartals and lockouts by reading weeklies like Manorama, Mangalam, Fire, Naana, Vellinakshatram etc ensure that the spark of cultural and literary creativity is kept burning. (Anyone who has seen Kinnarathumbikal in which Shakeela occupies most of the screen-space, would vouch for the mallu’s eye for creative movie making).
10. Statement: Mallus are athletic and sporty.Fact: Who hasnt heard about P T Usha! Given the long coastline that stretches from Kanyakumari to Mangalore, all mallus run on the beach daily for at least 4 hours to keep themselves fit. P T Usha during her heydays used to crisscross the state lengthwise and get back home for an early lunch each day. Mallus are equally adept at other physically demanding sports activities like participating in political processions, striking work, throwing stones at KSRTC buses and watching serials on satellite TV from 2:00pm to 10:00pm everyday.
11. Statement: Mallus are a conceited lot.Fact: Mallus are just not conceited alone. They are crafty, calculating, conniving and contort facts to attain their ends (Take the case of this post! Dont you think the author has a hidden agenda?). Deceptive double-crossers! And all with a smile on their face.
HOTEL KERALA-FONIA - by The Yeagles
On the road to TrivandrumCoconut oil in my hairWarm smell of avialRising up through the airUp ahead in the distanceI saw a bright pink tube-lightMy tummy rumbled, I felt weak and thinI had to stop for a biteThere he stood in the doorwayFlicked his mundu in styleAnd I was thinking to myselfI don’t like the look of his sinister smileThen he lit up a petromaxMuttering “No power today”More Mallus down the corridorI thought I heard them say
Welcome to the Hotel Kerala-foniaSuch a lousy place,Such a lousy place (background)Such a sad disgrace,Plenty of bugs at the Hotel Kerala-foniaAny time of yearAny time of year (background)It’s infested hereIt’s infested here
His finger’s stuck up his nostrilHe’s got a big, thick mustacheHe makes an ugly, ugly noiseBut that’s just his laughBuxom girls clad in pavadaEating banana chipsSome roll their eyes, andSome roll their hipsI said to the managerMy room’s full of miceHe said,Don’t worry, saar, I sending youmeen karri, brandy and iceAnd still those voices were crying from far awayWake you up in the middle of the nightJust to hear them pray
Save us from the Hotel Kerala-foniaSuch a lousy place,Such a lousy place (background)Such a sad disgraceTrying to live at the Hotel Kerala-foniaIt is no surpriseIt is no surprise (background)That it swarms with flies
The blind man was pouringStale sambar on riceAnd he saidWe are all just actors hereIn Silk Smitha-disguiseAnd in the dining chamberWe gathered for the feastWe stab it with our steely knivesBut we just can’t cut that beefLast thing I rememberI was writhing on the floorThat cockroach in my appam-stew was the culprit,I am sureRelax, said the watchmanThis enema will make you wellAnd his friends laughed as they held me downGod’s Own Country? Oh, Hell!
